The Fresh Prince of Crystal Palace and the dangers of EPPP

Crystal Palace fans seem to be doing more than most to spread the word about the dangers of the Elite Player Performance Plan to Football League clubs, so (inspired by Wilfried Zaha’s support for their campaign) I thought I’d pay tribute to their efforts with a short re-working of the theme tune to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. As you do.

Now this is a story all about how,
my life got flipped, turned round on me,
If you’ve got a minute just sit right there,
I’ll tell you how football will change due to EPPP,

In the South London area, born and raised,
With Crystal Palace youth I spent most of my days,
Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’, all fine,
When I saw some old bloke taking notes on the sideline,

He liked what he saw, he came to see me each day,
They were sniffing around every time that I played,
I scored one good goal and my club said to me,
“You’re moving up to Chelsea for 75p”,

I begged and pleaded, said to leave would be a wrench,
I liked playing football, not sitting on a bench,
But I was gonna get rich due to Abramovich,
I could sit and count my money when I wasn’t on the pitch,

First day, this is great, training ground is first rate,
Who cares about Crystal Palace’s fate?
If this is what Premier League life is like,
Hmm! This might be alright!

But wait, I hear that prestigious moves don’t all rock,
Is this the type of place that they sent John Bostock?
You know I think so, I regret when I embarked,
Maybe should I have stayed down at Selhurst Park,

The first youth game and they read out the team,
I expected to be in but I was nowhere to be seen,
I came here to play, not to sit and go to waste,
But they’ve brought other kids from all over the place,

I whistled for a cab and when it came near,
It had a Chelsea air freshener hanging in the mirror,
If anything I could say this cab was the worst,
But I thought “nah, forget it” – take me home to Selhurst!

I pulled up to the ground about seven or eight,
I yelled to the cabbie “go support your local team!”,
I looked up at the stands and I could finally see,
How football is going to be ruined by EPPP.


The Seventy Two
The Seventy Two published an outstanding series of articles about the Football League between 2010-12 and was the brainchild of Leicester City fan, David Bevan. As well as collaborating with The Two Unfortunates on the Football League Blog Network and a mammoth 2011-12 season preview, the site featured a host of leading bloggers and David was rewarded with a nomination in the 2011 Football Supporters’ Federation awards. Latterly, he was joined as co-editor by Joe Harrison and TTU is happy to present this archive of the site’s output.


  1. Peter
    October 26, 2011

    Genius. And correct.

  2. Outside Mid
    October 26, 2011

    This is fantastic. Now, to work up one from LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” or “I Need Love.”


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