TTU Go Predicting: Freelance Predictions
Having managed to spin out our 2013-14 preview for the best part of two weeks, you’ll be relieved that the new season is finally upon us. Judging by your responses, we’ve delighted and infuriated you in equal measure over the past 10 days or so but — whatever your take on the accuracy of our views and predictions — we hope that it’s at least been enjoyable and a bit different to what’s been offered elsewhere.
To round things off, our contributors — Rob Langham, Chris Walker, Gav Barber, Ian Rands, Tom Furnival-Adams, Lloyd Langman, Chris Lines, Gary Andrews and Ben Woolhead — go off-piste and offer some freelance predictions on what this latest Football League season might hold in store for supporters. For instance, will this be the year that lower-league footballers finally realise that their Herbalife pyramid schemes are never going to make them rich? Or is that far too ambitious a prediction?
What’s really dominating our thoughts, however, are the divisions’ two broadcasters. How long will it take for Sky — who we’re now more beholden to than ever of course — to drive fans to distraction with their fawning over Harry Redknapp and QPR? Not all at all, we’d wager (at least until he moves on to bigger and better challenges / car parks, that is).
Turning our attention to The Football League Show, our contributors put forth a range of suggestions, such as the likelihood of the Manish Bhasin/Steve Claridge/Clem backlash recommencing tomorrow evening at approximately 11:55pm. Frankly, it’s not hard to reason why when gazing over others’ predictions, one contributor wondering whether this season might witness Steve Claridge patent the phrase “there’s no doubt about that” and another cheeky scamp speculating over the prospect of this being the year that the same man might come up with an insightful point. Pigs.
In an attempt to allay the show’s dearth of perception, much like the policy of demoting referees to the lower leagues as a punishment for incompetence we predict that Match of the Day will finally succumb to licence fee-payer pressure and demote their similarly dreary — but shinier — team of analysts in place of Claridge. Mark Lawrenson’s predictions will fall by the wayside as he admits that he didn’t even know Cheltenham had a football team, and Alan Hansen’s entire raison d’etre will cease to exist when Manish has to explain to him live on air that “diabolical defending” is a default position in the Football League, not a point worthy of analysis.
Or more surreal still will this be the season when a total Terry Gilliam-style apocalyptic meltdown will, at some point, engulf the FLS? In the middle of an apparently innocuous discussion about Yeovil’s defensive frailty, will years of pent-up rage at being scoffed at overcome Manish to the point where he unleashes a full-on table-smashing fury, bringing the flimsy set crashing down around them, revealing behind it an epic dystopian vision of an infinitely-expanding universe in which Mark “Clem” Clemmit, his face etched across the sky in its demonically familiar perma-gurn, controls all life in the manner of a malevolent puppet-master, laying waste to oceans and continents with a single lazy flick of his chubby, deadly fingers, and condemning all humanity to an eternity of screaming, “banter”-fuelled agony? It wouldn’t be pleasant to witness but you can’t tell us that it’d come as a real surprise to anyone.
Thanks again to all our contributors, and thanks for your hits. Best of luck to your team for the season…