Health Club

Posted by on May 12, 2010 in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

I can’t be certain, but would hazard a guess that if at 5.45pm on Sunday 24th May 2009 you’d turned to me and cheerfully opined that relegation from the top flight should be welcomed as just the tonic my beloved Newcastle Utd needed, I’d have been inclined to disagree, possibly violently. Hindsight being a wonderful thing and all that, but you’d have been proven right. Far from being (as the mainstream media would have it) a nightmare in which we found ourselves ostracised from the “big time” and haunted by former glories (well, near-glories), this season has actually proven to be one of the most enjoyable in living memory.

On reflection, perhaps the best analogy for our year in the Championship would be to compare it to a spell at a health spa. Flabby, drained, demoralised and fractious, we took temporary time out from the stresses of the Premier League so as to be able to return in much better shape, both physically and mentally.

First of all, our enforced Championship diet meant that the fat of the squad – the result of years of excess and indulgence – was soon shed to leave us lighter and leaner. The departure of the underperforming overpaid also meant a general detoxification of the dressing room, albeit one which Joey Barton escaped – though even he has claimed to be living “a monk-like existence. The result? An inner peace and harmony that was only threatened by the odd, rare, isolated incident. The “semblance of stability” that the BBC’s report on our Premier League death knell suggested we desperately needed has indeed materialised – though not at Alan Shearer’s hand but Chris Hughton’s, for which he deserves enormous credit. “This most dysfunctional of clubs“? Not any more.

And what of our brittle confidence? Well, it wasn’t all plain sailing and we suffered bloodied noses at Blackpool, Scunthorpe and Derby as well as being comprehensively outplayed both home and away by fellow retreat/spa guests West Brom. But the truth is that, contrary to our expectations, much of the season was a stroll against opponents who flattered our egos by regarding us as big fish to try to fry. Here were defences we could penetrate and score against freely; here were attacks we could rebuff without much trouble; here, to put it simply, was a division in which we could win games. Not only did the confidence come flooding back, but it actually started proving a crucial difference in tight encounters, arguably as important as individual sparks of brilliance and tactical nous in carrying us to victory.

So there you have it. Twelve months ago we were physically and psychologically broken. Now we’re scrubbed, exfoliated, fitter, healthier, more optimistic – and smugly and self-righteously extolling the virtues of a spell in the rehab clinic that is the Championship.

And now, as we begin to prepare for a return to the rigours of daily life in the Premier League, it seems we’re determined not to fall back into our old bad habits – if Sunday’s quite extraordinary public statement is anything to go by, at least. Public pontifications by the club hierarchy are apparently to be severely curbed, while we’re going to look after our internal constitution first and foremost, redoubling our efforts to scout for the best local talent and promoting from within rather than seeking to make expensive trophy signings to excite the cameras and messageboards.

The meaning of the phrase “no capital outlay” has been the subject of much debate (making a mockery of the statement as some kind of unequivocal clarification) and I remain to be convinced that keeping the wallet shut is in the long-term interests of the club if it results in another relegation, one from which we might well not bounce back so easily. But these are issues for discussion elsewhere; what’s significant in the context of this piece is that we seem anxious to show that lessons have been learned and that there’s a new-found appreciation of the value of asceticism in the corridors of power.

Anyway, back to the Championship. The fact that we’ve enjoyed ourselves so much begs a big question that seems to have gone unasked: was promotion actually something worth celebrating? Given that even a few weeks into next season we’re likely to have racked up a clutch of desperate defeats, confidence will be on the wane and dressing-room serenity will be under threat, would it not have been better all round if we’d thrown a few games at the end of the campaign to derail our promotion push and preserve our Championship status for another term, thereby prolonging the pleasure?

Unfortunately, no. The bottom line is that for a club of our stature and – more to the point – debts, our survival is dependent upon being in the Premier League. As Derek Llambias pointedly reminded us fans on more than one occasion (in outpourings of pompous verbal diarrhoea that the recent statement implies are thankfully now a thing of the past), this season has been bankrolled by Mike Ashley. Like most health spas, our stay in the Championship was costly and a longer spell would have been unsustainable.

But rest assured that come August, when we’re back to watching our team get torn apart at the seams and rubbing shoulders with the braying, know-nothing, Sky-fattened, prawn-sandwich-eating hordes, we’ll be remembering the Championship with fondness as the place where we rediscovered our mojo.

Ben is a long-suffering Newcastle Utd supporter (is there any other kind?) who co-founded and co-wrote Black & White & Read All Over, a blog that, over the course of a decade, chronicled the ups, downs, chaos and calamity of the club he has the misfortune to follow. Since the blog hung up its boots in May 2014 (note: not as a mark of respect for Shola Ameobi leaving St James’ Park), he has contented himself with sporadic, splenetic Twitter outbursts and shamefully rare contributions to The Two Unfortunates. He is currently haunted by visions of Joe Kinnear returning to the club for a third spell and pondering whether he’ll live to see another victory over the Mackems, but at least has a cardboard coathanger with Robert Lee’s head on it for consolation.


  1. Lanterne Rouge
    May 12, 2010

    If Joey Barton claims to be living a monk like existence, then maybe he is basing his assessment of the clergy on a viewing of the film “The Name of the Rose” (One presumes he has not dipped into Umberto Eco's novel from which the movie is adapted).

    It's perhaps easy as a non-Magpie to tell Newcastle fans not to worry about the “no capital outlay” comment. I think the side looks more than good enough as it stands to finish comfortably in midtable and such are the sums needed to compete for a top 10 place, there is no way Newcastle should get involved in competing for players with clubs of similar size such as Villa, Manchester City or Spurs. Stability should be the watchword although I'd expect perhaps a couple of loan signings from the Big 4 (Big 6?).

    And as for Chris Hughton? My man of the year in the Championship.

  2. Col
    May 12, 2010

    Good article Ben and have to agree with a lot of it. Unlike most I actually wouldnt be too worried abot the capital outlay comment as contrary to what most think it does not mean we will not spend any money on players. I believe we will spend a bit of cash in the summer, not a lot but then I dont think we need to spend a lot, the nucleus of this team is good and without all the BS of last season I think we should survive comfortably. Once we do this we can then hope to push on and obtain the sure & steady progress we crave without the distractions of Circus like antics every few weeks,


  3. Lanterne Rouge
    May 12, 2010

    I think Williamson could be key but even if he doesn't prove up to scratch, Taylor has proved himself an adequate top division centre back in the past. I'd also expect Coloccini to continue his good form. perhaps up front provides the only question marks. I have my doubts about the top flight class of Ameobi, Carroll, Ranger, Lovenkrands and company.


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