Media Week: Buses and Fake Brickwork – The Football League Show

“I’ll just watch the main game… well, our goals as well too obviously… oh, and I quite fancied watching Morecambe’s 4-3 win over Accrington too… to be honest I might as well watch the whole thing… erm… are you snoring?” – The Football League Show is our window into the lives of all the other clubs unfortunate enough to be scraping around the lower reaches of professional football in this country. We forced Glen Wilson to stay up until dawn to offer a critique of the Beeb’s much-maligned nocturnal highlights package.


Recently, walking through Doncaster, I watched a man end a phone call by jabbing repeatedly at the screen then hurling his handset at the wall of Nat West. Though there’s a chance I was witnessing a very personal protest at the financial downturn (or indeed just a normal day in Donny), it is more likely I was party to the denouement of man’s frustration with technology. We’ve all been there. That moment we forget the many remarkable tasks the machine in front of us is performing, and focus instead on the one thing we currently demand of it which it frustratingly cannot do. What does this have to do with The 72’s media week? you ask, well, after trawling through twitter posts and messageboards, it appears this is also how the majority of us watch The Football League Show.

Yes, the FLS is to sports highlights programming what a laptop highlighting Error 4016, or a text message that won’t send is to our embrace of technology. Never mind that they have, in the few hours since full-time, managed to package up and deliver us highlights of up to thirty six matches from the length and breadth of the country, they neglected to show that corner we should have had in the 76th minute, an unacceptable travesty that we cannot let lie. If it were an office printer we’d kick it, but as it’s a television show we get our instant gratification instead by tweeting irrational complaints about their anti [insert own club here] bias. The rights to the Football League are televised sport’s poisoned chalice, a highly prized accolade which enable the holder the unique freedom to receive scorn and derision from seventy two different social groups.

And all this despite trying so desperately hard to be inoffensive, not least in the appointment of Manish Bhasin. A presenting machine; Manish’s timbre displays neither regional dialect nor class background, whilst his range of emotion spans a spectrum no longer than the gable end of a fiver. He is more neutral than the manila painted walls of a Swiss rental property. Stoical, reliable, ever-present, Manish is the presenter equivalent of the hallway table you keep your post on; you simply accept its unwavering presence, but the one moment it’s not there you’ll find yourself walking in perplexed circles, the assuredness of your world, blown off its axis. There is just one single irritation which underlies Manish’s presence on my Saturday nights that I feel the need to voice. Why the continued inflection of surprise in his weekly opening gambit on how it’s been “a busy afternoon in the Football League”? It’s a Saturday Manish, they tend to be so.

Not even Manish’s innocuousness can save The FLS from its most notable crime aganist humanity; ownership of the worst title sequence ever brainstormed. The perfect television themes tune into the tone of the ensuing programme; its rhythms and melody evoking the emotions of what it is you are about to see. Indeed Ronnie Hazlehurst made an art of the television theme tune, the FLS however sits squarely at the opposite extreme. Its creators having seen fit to deliver us a directionless thudding dirge evocative of nothing except perhaps a one legged man walking up a gravel pathway to a panel-beaters. The base drum beat may as well be Keith Mansfield banging his head repeatedly against a brick wall. It is so monotonous it doesn’t stop, it just ceases.

The only saving grace of the theme is that it is impossible to get it stuck in your head, and so is long forgotten by the time Manish greets you, from a balcony to which there is no apparent access (trust me, I’ve checked, no stairs, nothing). Here Manish perches, master of his kingdom, one of lighting rigs and fake brickwork as far as the eye can see. One day all this will be Steve Claridge’s, but until that day comes Steve must bide his time tethered to a high desk, laden with unnecessary microphones, whilst Manish makes a tame joke about the number of clubs he played for. Behind said desk you can still glimpse the room in which Lizzie once read our texts and emails, now dark and vacant, I half expect to see milk bottles accumulating by its door as the season progresses.

The disposal of Lizzie Greenwood-Hughes marks a thankful departure from the patronisation which permeated the initial two years of the Beeb’s Football League coverage. Suggesting the FLS had taken its cues from Newsround rather than Match of the Day, Lizzie brought us what television executives refer to as ‘interactivity’, or as its more specifically known, reading out banal emails about Team X going up, and Team Y always being overlooked. As interactive media goes, it was as entertaining and thought-provoking as the tannoy ordering system at a McDonalds drive-thru. The other more insulting facet of this CBBC approach to football was the Potted History section in which Clem would move around a football ground, popping up in front of camera like he’d escaped from the hand of Matthew Corbett, and read us extracts from the club’s Wikipedia entry.

Potted History may have gone – the BBC perhaps acknowledging that those staying up past midnight on a weekend to watch a show about the Football League, already have something of an understanding of its clubs – but Clem remains. The sort of man who you suspect facilitated his own nickname, one who will stand in the middle of the field eating a pie as the teams come out behind him. The enthusiasm he displays toward those he interviews is too often mis-placed, meaning it comes across as the sort of faux-jocularity displayed by someone you vaguely know as they lead up to asking for a favour or reimbursement of that tenner they once leant you; “Here he is… Gaffer, the Gaffer, eh? Look at you, check the suit out. How you settling in? Yeah… hey, look… mate… you couldn’t give us a hand shifting this wardrobe could you?”

In Clem lies the crux of the FLS’ failings, in that it endeavours so earnestly to please it ultimately disappoints. Clem’s cheery inside look at teams would be ideal for a Football League magazine show, but on a highlights programme, which is of course what the FLS is, it just grates; to all intense and purposes Clem is The Texan from Joseph Heller’s Catch-22, a man so happy and good-natured that ultimately no-one can stand him. His presence just reminds us that The FLS is simply trying too hard. By this time, post midnight on a Saturday, and with any sense of perceptiveness already dulled out of us by Alan Shearer, we don’t want whimsy, nor do we want to think. We just want goals and red cards. Nothing more.

Gradually over two seasons, the BBC has thankfully trimmed some of the fat. Along with Lizzie and Clem’s Wiki-History has gone Manish striding across the studio to deliver the league tables as if they were the closing slides of a regional board meeting. Yet, appendices still remain; the token bus disembarkation footage that prefixes highlights of Championship games, a second main game, and tedious post-match interviews could all be banished without ever being mourned. Indeed the emptiness of post-match questions was deftly highlighted by Nigel Clough in this exchange; “I’ve heard you didn’t think it was a penalty, what was your reasoning for that?” “There wasn’t a foul committed in the penalty area”. In short, you can read interviews in the following day’s papers, you can’t read goals.

And so to poor Steve Claridge. Tasked with possessing an in-depth knowledge of every one of the League’s seventy-two clubs, and yet regularly criticised on Twitter in the early hours of Sundays for “constantly looking at his notes,” he is a man who can never win. The truth is, Steve does know football, as shown when deconstructing last weekend’s main game between West Ham and Portsmouth. Having watched the game in the afternoon Steve was able to make salient points regarding West Ham’s choice of formation. It may be fleeting, but its two minutes more insight than Alan Shearer or Mark Lawrenson have thus far brought Match of the Day audiences.

As the programme winds on and Claridge is asked for his opinions only after having watched the goals of an entire division, his responses tend to edge increasingly toward sound-bite and cliché. But how can they not? Claridge is not omnipotent. He may be all playing for, but alas is not all seeing. How can he be reasonably expected to provide expert insight into 36 fixtures when he has been able to watch no more than two? Let him leave after the first game, when he has served

his punditry purpose rather than retain him for the remaining hour solely as an object for Manish to rebound off. After all, there’s enough fake brickwork knocking about the studio to serve that purpose.

The Seventy Two
The Seventy Two published an outstanding series of articles about the Football League between 2010-12 and was the brainchild of Leicester City fan, David Bevan. As well as collaborating with The Two Unfortunates on the Football League Blog Network and a mammoth 2011-12 season preview, the site featured a host of leading bloggers and David was rewarded with a nomination in the 2011 Football Supporters’ Federation awards. Latterly, he was joined as co-editor by Joe Harrison and TTU is happy to present this archive of the site’s output.

10 Comments

  1. normangunston
    September 15, 2011

    Yes! that theme tune is dire, and what’s worse there’s a trace of an even worse tune lingering down in the bass and drum thuds. My theory is that the composer delivered a terrible tune that they didn’t have the budget to fix, so decided just to mix it all down into a low range series of thuds…

    Reply
  2. Jasper
    September 15, 2011

    Absolutely spot on.

    Reply
  3. lazerguidedmelody
    September 15, 2011

    The Matthew Corbett line: so funny I nearly sprayed coffee all over the laptop

    Reply
    • theseventytwo
      September 15, 2011

      Haha agree. Reminded me of that internet phenomenon bloke who looks like a thumb. Hopefully that will mean something to you.

      Reply
  4. Stanley
    September 15, 2011

    Great stuff, Glen. The point about the bus disembarkation is very well observed.

    I do think you’ve been a bit harsh on Clem, though. His style is a little over-enthusiaistic for the graveyard slot in which the FLS resides, and the matey act with managers and players does grate. But anyone who has listened to his shows on 5 Live will know that he does have a great knowledge and interest in the Football League, which is much more than can be said about a lot of his colleagues. I would suggest that the things you don’t like about Clem on the FLS are in fact the product of flaws in the BBC’s overall approach to football coverage (see Kevin Day on MOTD2, for another example).

    Reply
    • Viva Rovers
      September 15, 2011

      Cheers for the kind comments gents…

      Yes, thats it exactly Stanley. I really don’t mind Clem at all, but his style is just not suited to a football highlights programme at all, and so he ends up sticking out like a fridge in a field. Like Claridge, he’s a man who knows his stuff, who is not being done any favours by the format of the show.

      Reply
  5. Buses & Fake Brickwork; The Football League Show « Viva Rovers
    September 15, 2011

    […] this piece, and it seems to have gone down well too. So here, for your enjoyment is that piece; Buses & Fake Brickwork LD_AddCustomAttr("AdOpt", "0"); LD_AddCustomAttr("Origin", "other"); […]

    Reply
  6. Jason
    September 16, 2011

    I’ve always thought there were echoes of “Lily the Pink” by the Scaffold in the theme tune.

    Reply
  7. Ben
    September 18, 2011

    There’s so much they could do with the Claridge role. They could divide it between three people. Each of them gets given a digest of 5 mins worth of highlights to review of 1/3 of the games played (evenly divided across the divisions so it’s not the same pundit doing all of one division). That’d be an hour’s football to watch and 3-5 times as much as the viewer would see so the pundits would always have extra insight and info compared to anyone who wasn’t at the game.

    Furthermore, the pundits could know a week in advance which games they’d be doing next so spend that time researching those clubs. Every time they did fresh research they’d be topping up an extensive knowledge to match most fans and fans would notice and appreciate this effort. Quite frankly pundits give off the impression that they put no time into their work apart from recording/broadcasting and this just isn’t good enough. They get paid well enough and it should be an essential part of their job – they don’t have much else to do. It might help not to limit the possible pundits to ex-pros. After all there are other groups of people with various skills and experiences that would make them better suited to the job.

    Great to know that Lizzie Greenwood-Hughes’s role has gone. It was completely pointless the way it was done and only served to infuriate fans who were both patronised and ignored.

    The theme tune is annoying but nowhere near as annoying as the video sequence for the titles. It just stinks of the attitude that the Football League is inferior to the Premier league, with the focus being on fans highlighted as the “common folk”, when actually it’d be really easy to glamorise the football league clubs in exactly the same way as the Premier League is done on Match of the Day just by copying the model of focusing on the clubs and players and hyping them up to be godlike figures.

    One last thing – the way the commentary is added onto the games for highlights other than the featured games stinks of apathy. All football league games are being covered by radio, or the club’s website or something. They should use as much of that live commentary as possible to keep the enthusiasm going across the programme.

    Reply
  8. Lanterne Rouge
    September 18, 2011

    A customarily superb piece Glen and a timely appraisal – far more useful looking at the programme now than after one episode. I agree with Stanley on Clem – he’s great on the radio even if the cheesy Mark Chapman functions as his sidekick and even Lizzie is probably a nice person – I’m sure she’s doing well wherever she is now – probably Why don’t You? . There are flashes of insght – yesterday, Leroy Rosenior highlighted the excellent James Chester, a player whom John McGee of Bring Me the Head of Keith Mincher has been banging on about for ages and I’ve got to be honest, I’d be outraged if they axed it – I grew up in an era when there was scant football on TV, so as a non-Sky subscriber,the show is essential viewing for all its faults.

    Reply

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